No matter how good the things around you are, it doesn’t make up for what lacks inside a person. I’ve recently realized that and quite how much I hate myself. I’ve also noticed how many things are actually just distractions from the hole I feel inside. I’m not sure what good liking myself will do. Maybe I’ll find out when or if it happens. Someone said closing off doesn’t protect me, it only hurts me and others around me. But I already knew that; I just never cared to form it into words. Then why do I do it? Perhaps the idea of protecting myself feels safer than not trying to protect myself at all. I don’t see how it doesn’t protect me then again. It succeeds in not letting others in, regardless of the pain it causes. I can deal with the pain and I’d rather run away from the people I’m hurting. Hating myself is my motivation to aim high. I’ve also just recently noticed how that works as well. Maybe I need to prove to myself that I’m good or worth something and if I get enough approval from others then maybe I’ll believe it, too. But I’ve tried that since forever. Since high school, since a lot of my relationships and since now in many ways. I remember when I first started modeling and posted pictures every couple days it was like an addiction, the feeling I would get from all the comments and likes. I thrived off of the attention and approval and felt good about myself but it never lasted long. If I waited too long to post another picture then I would be depressed very shortly after. I was addicted to the feeling. And I posted every time the sensation went away. I remember thinking, “I need to post another one” as if it was a drug to get back into my system once the happiness went away. I don’t know if I was ever happy. But it wasn’t the worst addiction I could have had. At least I had good intentions for the most part. At least I pushed myself in a good way. How do I go about trying to be a good person AND try to prove to myself I’m worth something when I really believe I’m not? Maybe they canceled each other out.
I didn’t decide to take acting classes necessarily because I had an interest in acting, no. I decided to take acting classes because it was something I had never done before and something I completely did not understand. It was scary to jump into. Yet another thing to prove to myself I was worth something was if I accomplished something I didn’t think I could do. If I could climb over the thing that scares me. I’m coming to realize though that what scares me the most is facing myself and who I am and how to like myself. But instead everything else seems to be more accomplishable. At least its motivation to do something. Because no one else seems to be able to motivate me and maybe I don’t let them.
I had always been curious of acting. It never made sense to me before the few classes I took. I did not understand what good acting was or bad acting even. All I knew was if I liked the movie or not. I think I was too intimidated by it in high school to sign up for it. I don’t think I was ready for it back then really. Not mentally, not emotionally. But who knows? Maybe it would have sped the process up of getting where I am now had I taken a class at that age. Maybe it would have just turned me into those stereotypical “theater kids” that no one likes. I just know its really changed me now.
The thing my recent acting teacher told me was that I “have a stillness like theres a wall hiding who [I] am” and as hard as I’ve tried, I’ve never been able to take it down. Every scene I’ve done I think I’m closer and so much more vulnerable than before and yet its still there. I guess its that thick. I suppose to be good at acting is to be able to open up but every time I open up it hurts — I cry. And I don’t feel like its anyones responsibility to deal with my pain but me so I’ll just hide it. But a strong person seems to show their pain and bear with it. Maybe I’m not strong enough yet and am too scared. I don’t want to deal with me and I know I’m going to have to some day. Acting will be my way of accepting myself for once, hopefully. I feel the most free while acting maybe because its when I’m the most vulnerable and maybe I underestimate how empowering that feels. But its different, because I’m vulnerable and also feel accepted because I know the other characters motive and its only a character. But I don’t know, its still me in that character.
I don’t know if people like seeing others be weak or vulnerable. I think people mainly want to see what they’ve overcome, accomplished and are good at. Basically the good end result. But not if they haven’t reached that yet. Maybe thats because a lot of other people hate themselves, too. What other ways to people deal with it? Some people act on it and accept that they hate themselves which result in self harm which could be as small as an eating disorder to as big as becoming a drug addict or actual physical harm. Maybe writing all this has made me seem like a bad person. Maybe it just makes me feel like a bad person to accept that this is what has been going on with me. I guess I’ll be figuring it out.