Where is the love you cast away for me? Where have you placed my delicate hands that became burned so deep? I’ve never known to touch someone who burned through all I had to offer. I thought it was fine until the bone shown through. If I could save you I would. Through words, flowers, whatever transalation of affection. But you make it hard, hard, hard to love you and hard to see you. Disguised as things I could hate but I know better. Love is in everyone but you need it most in my life.
I want the one who would stand up for me with me, without me, in front or away from me. I want someone who is vulnerable with me, personal with me. I want someone who sincerely respects me even in private. Someone who keeps their word the first time they promise it, not the 3rd time..
Perhaps I’m in love with the idea of romance or something. Something sappy like that as much as I hate to admit it.
“You crave love”
such a precise statement, yes, crave is a word for that. I’m not sure if need would be the word but I hungrily desire it, to give it and feel it. I felt the best when I was moved to give my all by the love I had for another. It’s been so long since that feeling though. I can only imagine what I felt when it happened. Now a days it’s like all I do is pretend it exists.
I deny love so hard, I would destroy love before it even reaches its chance to flourish and why?
“You’re terrified of romance”
what truth he saw in me. I even hid that from myself.
I’d rather destroy than be destroyed. I guess I’m just that selfish.
So I hide and I love in secret. I love in my thoughts, I love when I wake up and in my dreams. Maybe they’ll never know but I’m sending them good energy and it keeps me going, too. I like to admire from afar, I suppose. I feel safe, and my imagination is strong. I could be in love with the imagination of it possibly happening yet knowing it will never happen.
I was in secret love for over three years with a guy from grade school that I hardly even spoke to. Til this day I have never told him. However, I know I am not in love with him. I think I always knew I actually wasn’t in love with him. But I kept going with it in my mind, imagining it, convincing myself. Because it made me (back then) not feel so alone or unwanted because I at least had something to send love to. I just wanted to pour all the love that had never been accepted into someone and for that meantime, my imagination worked wonders. Thoughts of them kept me up. I wrote letters that I ripped up afterwards. I drew things based on those feelings. It was something to avoid the emptiness I felt otherwise. How embarrassing.
best friends, borderline personality disorder, depression, first relationship, i wished that someone would love me, real life story, rebellious teenager, romance, teenager problems, tween, virginity, wishes, young and naive
When I was about 11 years old, I made a wish that “someone would love me”. I always had these emotional pains that felt like there was a hole inside me like something was missing. Now I know better and that it was because I never got enough emotional affection growing up and mostly parental demands. Not that the parental demands were a bad thing, but the lack of affection really got to me because I also wasn’t getting it from school since I had no such friends in elementary and did not know how to be social or affectionate.
At 11 however, I was in middle school. Middle school was still very painful for me internally. I had a small group of friends somehow but it still was never enough to fill the hole. And so many nights I sat in my room crying asking why I hurt so much and why didn’t I feel loved. The lack of life experiences didn’t allow me to understand what I was missing.
At 10 years old, I also met a friend who became my best friend. A new neighbor as a matter of fact. I don’t remember if I knew or declared him as my best friend back then, but now I understand that he was. We hung out every day. We talked about everything and although he lived around the corner we still called each other on the phone even. I cared about him a lot and I don’t think I understood how much he cared.
The day after making my wish, he asked me to be his girlfriend after a year of knowing me and being with each other every day. It was on the phone he asked me. It hurt to hear the words and it hurt to say no, mostly because I knew it hurt him and I had no clue that was going to happen. I was too young. I remember crying after the phone call feeling guilty that I hurt my best friend and that it was inevitable. I remembered my wish and wondered if it was punishment for desiring the wrong thing. I didn’t know.
We remained close friends for another year before he tried asking again. Even closer than before because we still talked and spent time together almost every day it seemed. Again, I turned him down and again I felt bad. I didn’t know what to do.
Another year passes and closer we got and this time after he asked me on a piece of paper if I’d be his girlfriend and I said yes. How it got to that point, I won’t share and the note thing seems really silly but at 13 years old, of course we’re not matured. We were both super introverted, both artists and both shy and possibly depressed. I got into a lot of trouble that year. Sneaking out, lying, stealing, etc. My first rebellious year of my life.
I calmed down two years later. I stayed with him for about two years and then stayed best friends after breaking up. He meant a lot to me for many years. I’d say about 5 or 6 years at least. And then we faded. I don’t ever see him anymore because he’s gone down a more dark path.
Years later to today, I still remember my wish and wonder how true it’s been. For someone to try 3 years to just be able to say they loved me.