Isn’t it odd how I go throughout my day thinking of all the interesting or important things I need to write about and then the grand moment comes where I finally drag myself to my keyboard and tablet, and I am absolutely blank. Actually, it’s really annoying. I expect more of myself you know, to have something worth writing about instead of scattered thoughts that make no overall statement at the end. Yet, since I started and reached this point of opening a “new post” page, I may as well push myself to finish.
I suppose I can start by stating that my main focus as of lately is finding balance and really understanding it. All the times I have taken to reflect on my life in various moments has really helped; it’s a good thing I did my homework before I knew it would be important. But that’s not to say it is a chore, it is more that it did/does take effort to reflect and feel why or what on myself. It simply gives more awareness and I’m realizing the more awareness I have, the more I know I don’t have. And awareness is nonetheless what people mistakenly confuse as intelligence. And intelligence is awareness of what is as well as being able to identify patterns, connections, similarities, cause and effects, etc.. I believe education is what is confused for this reference of intelligence often times such as knowing facts alone, structures alone, why’s alone rather than seeing as is without adding personal opinion or perception. Those are separate, in my opinion. All in all, this is all just my opinion I am very well aware of but are you as the reader aware of that or does anything I say or believe frustrate you? Well, I can’t say that I am responsible. Motivate you? Well, that’s good to hear. Confuse you? Maybe you’re not ready to understand or partake in a response. Any or all ways unlisted or listed are great. Partially because I most likely won’t hear of most of them and if I do it is not my job to have an opinion back but merely to listen.
Sometimes I wonder why I write with such attitude, with such defense. I am not consciously speaking to any particular person or audience or at least not outside of myself. And maybe that is just it – I am speaking in defense of myself to myself. I have realized lately quite how much of an enemy I truly am to myself. Now, I can go back and blame my past experiences for causing me to become wounded and hurt and clearly deeply damaged and I am entirely correct. But regardless of that correct analysis, the situation is no longer current and it is now me having to deal with that damaged me. In a sense, I have become who hurt me but toward myself. What an epiphany this truly is and I will shyly admit that by writing this out I have come to that conclusion. I do think that this conclusion has been floating around in my head and this has just condensed the process and simplified it. I am one step closer digging towards whoever “me” is and bringing them back to life if I can manage to stay alive during the process. In the time that I have found better balance in myself inside and out (getting back into exercise, went pescaterian, reconnecting with family, started doing yoga/mediation, starting even going back to a church but more for a sense of acceptance), I have been flipping more often and more strongly to suicidal states. Not to be confused with depression – although both can occur simultaneously I am aware. It’s more of a state as simple as I just don’t want to do this, this life and living as I drop into moments of feeling nothing and no pleasure whatsoever and seeing no point in anything. I’ve gotten these moments my whole life but they come and go and they haven’t been this consistent in such a short period of time since I was around thirteen. And I don’t know if I have mentioned this in any previous blogs but my first time attempting suicide was at around six years old and nobody would have even known it was suicide. But anyway, sorry for the extreme leap I just had to get that out of myself and onto something. Aside from my flips to suicide, I get bursts of life inside myself. It’s like I’m in limbo of life and death or something as if spiritually.
Going back to balance, I believe the hardest challenge that I am aware of at the moment is finding a healthy ego. And really caring about myself enough to even have that come up as a concern is a big step so yay. I say that, because I didn’t care about myself to such a degree before that I was okay with my self worth being so low. Why? It was my truth that I was worthless and meaningless and now I am seeing it as not okay, plus it makes life really hard as if that wasn’t obvious but the difference is that I care to continue in life just enough to reach out, or even write about it. Many times I still find myself reverting to feeling worthless but somehow I’ll find a way to prove myself to myself in a healthy manner. And when I say reach out, I don’t mean reach out like talk to someone . Why? Because I have too much social anxiety to talk about myself or problems; two, I have been lagging on seeing another counselor; and three, because I feel weird and self absorbed and like I am throwing myself at someone by doing so.
I believe the most important thing I have done to help myself thus far was very recently reconnecting with my brother. I always have wanted to tell the whole world about him. He is my home and reason to love and live. Whomever he chooses to be, whatever he may do, I could never not love him. When I had the squal with my mom, we had the strongest and longest disconnection we’ve ever had. I am ever thankful that when I reached out he accepted me with open arms. Regardless of who disconnected who, who did what, whatever was misunderstood or done, none of it matters because the result of having him back in my life at all is all that is needed. I always have felt like I can do anything with him. He is my sense of root. It also made me realize that if love is not your foundation, then you may have not even sprouted.
**apologies for spelling errors as this keyboard is Bluetooth connect and very slow and I don’t know how to use spelling check on my IPad app so oh wells