I feel like my life is finally returning to me. I seemed to have gone off the deep end for a long while and looking back has made me realize a few things. One of them is in regards to depth of someone. What makes someone “deep”? The darkness? And what popped in my head was a voice softly sliding in, “how deep do you want to go before you risk making your back up for air?”
Well I definitely went off the deepest end I could find for myself and did actually risk not making it back up to the top. It was an adventure at the very least. A dive into self exploration only to find out I knew it all before I thought I knew. But I was missing the meatiness of experiencing it. And now it seems I have lived it yet wonder if I lost parts of myself by doing it. It’s like I threw away my home, connections and what I knew of life to be wreck less in having fun and trying to see things that just weren’t there. No matter how you look at it, things will still remain the essence of how they were made. Somehow I fooled myself into thinking there was more to my own personal life than I had put the work in for. Somehow I had reversed my fantasies of life into actual life and clearly, I can’t live like that. I have to work with what I’ve got. And here I am back at square one and I am so happy to be back. The voice in my head jokes and says for me, “sometimes I like to pretend life is a lot harder than it actually is.” I realize that happens to be a statement we all can share from time and time. I also realize looking at my life that I have spent most of it running away from myself, from being and loving me. I don’t know what exactly occurred that made me live with that but I am ready to face myself more now. Without that jump off the deep end I probably would never had come to such a facing. I don’t regret it and appreciate myself more for having gone through it. There’s always worse, but my worse had me really hanging on strings of life. There were one too many accounts the past year I tried and wailed about harming myself to wanting to end my life. Sometimes the simplest of reason being that I just didn’t want to do it; live, I mean. So now I am here with eyes more willing than ever to see myself and life for what it is. I am accepting that I have no other option but to accept it if I want to move forward. When I said I spent a large chunk of my time living running away from myself, I mean that I wanted to be anyone else, look like so many others instead, have the life of people more fortunate seeming and even have personality traits other than my own. Always more or less of something I had or didn’t have. The things I loved in others and the traits I thought I lost when I lost certain people were really just things in myself I have had all along. I was just missing the self belief to let it all be. It was me missing from seeing me, me neglecting my power and love for life. Now it’s just time for faith that all the people or things I thought I lost in life to be reconstructed through lens more direct, from a heart of my own, and through support of those still with me however light or consistent. I have me now and this time I know it.