There’s something in me that snaps, changes, and almost separates from the rest of me in a moments time. I believe there to be a certain thing that evokes it and yet even with warnings it still occurs. The result ends up with me going blind into rage – literally. Sometimes I black out whether it be for a couple of seconds or an hour. In those black outs I become violent and today it happened and I stopped myself before any actual harm. I restrained myself but in my eyes I know I sought way more than what little I actually did. For someone to think that I want to feel this way makes no sense. I
can’t control it and I’m just realizing how little control I do have after all this time and its scaring me. I’m starting to believe I’m sick because this has happened many times in the past and each time has been with full force and if I had something on me to literally cause damage I likely would have used it. But luckily not only was this occurrence lacking anything I could use, it also was in a very public setting. Just writing about this is gets me boiling to remember the moment. I didn’t cause any real physical damage today but I sure did mentally to them. In fact, it took me all day to understand how scary not only my actions were but what I turned into the moments after that in regards to things I said. All of it left me shook up the remaining of my day and even still now.
Without the slightest understanding of why or how this could happen, the person fled from my life bidding me farewell. Possibly forever or as much as they have control over not having me around. I didn’t fight it, in fact I encouraged it in a very evil, cruel way. I’m not bragging in the slightest, I am entirely summing it up from the point of view of being shaken afterwards. I think some of the scarier things I said I actually appeared to have meant at the time, and the calmer things I may have just thrown on top due to lack of control. It’s like I’m analyzing a different person right now. It’s like a completely different person that I never met in myself. As if, my demon.
I cannot blame the person for fleeing. However, I can see it from both sides. For one, that is not a normal action of mine and it appears that that part of me is in desperate need of help. It was quite out of my control and I can entirely admit that I lost it and stopped it by quite a leap. I probably would have full on fought them if I let myself. Regardless of reason, I am not justifying myself in the slightest.
The person’s immediate reaction was the get away from me forever it seemed. As if they never knew me otherwise. As if whatever connection we had as two civil people was never formed. I felt dirty by disgust of the situation. And I have an irrational fear of rejection and only in a particular matter (in which I won’t mention here). That’s another trigger for me to snap (or maybe its the key one). I don’t know. I’ve only now recognized this as a serious problem and it has been going on for almost a decade of my life sporadically.
It’s not their fault that they didn’t know I’ve been dealing with a lot emotionally lately as well as doing it alone because I’ve pushed everyone away. I’ve been crying every other night to myself or just throughout the day due to I’m not always sure what of. Sometimes I just hurt deeply about some moment and sometimes I’m deeply moved by some memory. I’ve been more sensitive than usual and more vulnerable than usual. But it would be unfair for me to expect anyone to know such a thing especially when I shun anyone away from inquiring about myself. I’ve been extra secretive this past month but I just want to hide the more I reveal about myself to myself. It’s new, scary and I’m just uncertain about myself. I’m not used to being this revealed anymore and I need time to adjust it seems. I need time to understand and allow myself to be in the presence of someone who may judge me or use these things against me. Even if those possibilities remain only in my head, the fear is still real and vicious.
Recently, I’ve been trying to get myself to be more open. Open to myself and open to others. But I have found that being more open means uncovering that dark side of me as well. Every time I have had that side come out, I feel the most vulnerable, the most sensitive, the most in pain and yet the most attached and very, very impulsive and desperate. Everything in the few moments before, during, and several hours to days after feel very surreal and it’s like I feel e v e r y t h i n g . It’s like I’m hurting for a thousand people and I’m feeling the pain of another thousand deaths all internally, all at once. I get nauseous, light-headed, blurry vision, shallow breaths, and shakes. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me and it scares even me. But back to having recently opened up; I can say that it has worked. I have become slowly much more wholesome. But becoming wholesome means equaling the bad with the good. And god, I have been so much happier lately and although it only began maybe two or so days ago, it’s still so gratifying. So much more lively and energetic although it comes in bursts but then there’s this side which is very dark and hard to stop once started. Perhaps I needed space because I was afraid of giving myself out and being judged. And I mean the good and bad judged since I wasn’t used to revealing the good because I, myself judged it. And yet space was not given nor understood. Recently I’ve been feeling like all the time I’ve had alone is still not enough. I don’t count “time alone” if I’m writing emails, using the internet at all, responding to texts or around too much chaos even. So if I count what time I do have left when I take away those moments, it is not enough for my introverted self. And I get overwhelmed and I don’t have enough time to understand myself and I start to build up feelings. And sometimes the feelings burst into situations like these which I never took the time to deal with properly. Or maybe situations like these are inevitable and certain instances will have a cause and effect property. I don’t know. After writing this I feel that a lot of it is washed out now. And that was the point of this post. Now I can sleep hopefully without nightmares as it is 2am.