I got ahold of my mom’s computer! My grandma just bought her one – not that she asked for one. My grandma just decides to buy thing for selective people. She strongly favors my middle brother who is 18 and always has. It pisses me off really. She used to buy food for him when we were younger and tell us not to eat it and that it was only for him. I’m not sure why I’m not yet over it. But anyway, I’ve been up to a lot lately. Before I begin, I need to express how amazing it feels to be typing my thoughts instead of handwriting. My mind works way too fast to write by hand. By the time I write a couple of words down I’m already onto the next 10 thoughts and then I get overwhelmed with too much to say. Plus hand cramps and whatnot since apparently I have a death grip on pencils. Blame the pencil artist in me I suppose.
I started this new anti-depressant medication recently. It’s not your prescription kind, its more of a vitamin available like kind which makes me hesitant to refer it as an anti-depressant. But from what research I’ve done online, plenty of people use it as that. It seems to be working wonderfully. I feel magical actually: euphoric, energetic and positive which is so rare to come by without a specific environment for me. However, it makes me almost too euphoric that I block out all emotions less than positive as well as all connections. Because I am having so much fun just being alive! It’s so easy to overlook things and people and moments when you’re just having an invigorating, rushing, thrilling experience. Its hard not to feel excited off of it. Perhaps I’m taking too much? The dosage is 100 mg per pill and I’m sure it comes in half to a quarter of the amount but when I went to the store that was the only one (and last one) available. Well, at least I know it works.
I decided to quit drinking at least until my withdrawal symptoms cease completely. They’ve been going on since I slowed down in November. It really frustrates me that I tell some people I have alcohol withdrawal symptoms and they don’t believe me. I would get very strong palpitations, high anxiety, and shakes. Before, I was even getting sweats/fevers. They’ve now decreased in intensity as well as how long they last but they’re still happening. I have determined that I have also seriously damaged my neurotransmitters since I have had anxiety like never during non-threatening occasions like simply sitting in my room thinking. I started doing a ton of research on the effects of alcohol on the brain and body which have made me come to these conclusions. In the process, I have learned a lot about how delicate the chemical balance is in the brain and also what exactly I take (such as drugs or alcohol) does to me and why. Interesting at the very least, and possibly useful if or when I go back to using drugs and alcohol. Probably not regularly again though. I didn’t like the longer-term results of the regular use.
Something interesting that was discussed today was about weed being considered the gateway drug and that it’s more likely that alcohol that is. Well, of course that makes no sense. Were people who never had drugs or alcohol or weed the ones who determined that last statement? Because alcohol goes with everything. So why not add more to the fun. But with weed, not so much. At least in my experience. I’d definitely choose alcohol with any of my drugs over weed. Weed is a weird drug to me. Then again I prefer uppers, not downers.
Drugs have been a very hot topic for me recently. Since I like to research everything I do or may potentially do, I have learned a lot about how chemicals interact with the brain and how the brain works in adaptation to these new changes. I’m thrilled with guilty fascination of substances and how it all interacts with the brain and body. Not just drugs however. It has recently extended to food and vitamins due to the anti-depressant which I discovered through my research of drugs. I was looking for if there were possible man-made remedies to the come down effects of the drugs effects. Thankfully my research saved me a hassling trip to a psychiatrist who wouldn’t be convinced I was depressed or have had suicidal tendencies unless I was very drastic about it. I know I can take care of myself and deal with things well in the end but sometimes a little assistance could help me learn something new in the process.
I partially blame my alcoholism of 2014 on my ignorance. Which is why I am so sorrily researching everything now to make sure I don’t slip up that bad again. I knew alcohol was bad and that’s about where it ended. No real reasons, you see. I would have excused my alcohol tendencies if I had not drank almost the entire year away and actually forgetting most of it and then finishing the year with alcohol withdrawal symptoms. sigh.
Weirdly, I’m slightly proud that it happened. That’s a very intense thing to have happen to had drunk literally every day for the first 3 or 4 months of 2014 (people don’t believe me on the “everyday” thing but I am being dead serious) and then having gone only one full month out of that whole year not drinking only because I broke up with my drinking buddy. Terrible. I was also drinking way more than I should have been able to. I built a terribly high tolerance. But I’m glad I had the experience, sorry I did some things when drunk and I accept that it’s in the past. I am more grateful now for the health that I am working back towards. I am also more grateful for the times I don’t have intense anxiety because my goodness, I had never had such terrible anxiety until drinking became a problem before I even knew it.
I’m trying to put myself together. And as I’ve always said to myself, one must break in order to grow and damn, I definitely broke myself with no one else to blame. Theres quite a few things I’m sorry for from 2014. One thing I think of is I don’t think my relationship would have gotten as psychotic and out of hand had I not become an alcohol. I ruined a person in a way that no one should have to bear. And some days it makes me sad. Being sorry about whatever things from then have been a thought for awhile now. This year feels like its been so long already. I have so much to work on on myself and my life and my future. And looking toward what my next step is so much harder when I look at everything at the same time. I just pray for wisdom, faith, and guidance. I was even thinking of going back to Church actually. That surprises even me a little. I’m scared, but I’m always scared. So I don’t know what the real excuse is.