It makes me laugh to think someone considers me self-destructive. Aren’t we all in some ways though?
I guess that would be considered a warning to all who attempt to be close to me which isn’t much since I run away from close relationships. All I do is hurt people. And if I care more about them than myself then I’d leave. So that’s almost everyone.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just too scared to allow someone to affect me that deeply. Well, it’s not like I’ve never let someone affect me deeply. I have and it’s turned out bad each time. I guess I just choose to trust the wrong people because who knows. I guess it feels right at the moment. Maybe it’s just my impulsiveness.
I’ve been struggling to just open up with myself lately. Have I gone numb?
I’m so distrusting and scared of things I don’t want to admit on here to others. And there I go reinforcing the distrust.
“All you want to do is prove that you’re right, not understand what’s wrong.”
“If you judge someone, then you have no time to love them.”
And I want to love.
Perhaps people rely on making judgments in order to have some sense of justice, guidance, rules in life since they don’t understand well enough without some sort of structure.
I guess its not their fault then….
Then it seems like people are just so lost and it’s almost flipped when you feel like the only person who understands things…its like you’re the on who’s lost because you don’t conform..
I can’t translate these thoughts. I’m choking on them daily and they won’t come out. I have thoughts overlapping thoughts causing them to blur before they have the chance to surface.
It’s kind of hard to not judge and pick and choose what thoughts are valid when they have been turned down so many times. I 2nd guess, and 3rd guess and then I never stop doubting like a spiral of self defeat.
This is probably dramatic. And there I did judge. But how can I not when my family thinks me explaining my thoughts are no more than being dramatic. It’s almost like I’m not supposed to be honest with myself.
And people who don’t understand can only think I’m doing this to myself but I am not. There isn’t even as big of a problem as they probably perceive. If anything this chain of thoughts are helping relieve symptoms of whatever is wrong with me.
I don’t understand how expressing what I feel is ever received by the responses of, “you’re choosing to feel that way” or “you don’t feel that way” or “that’s not what is happening”. How much more invalidating can it get?? Why would I not be self destructive if everything I am is being invalidated? When everything that goes on internally that is very much real to me is nothing but wrong to everyone else around me. I’m practically forced into isolation, convinced that my thoughts are not worth understanding, not worth truth and not worth existing. Therefor I am none of those either. The more time goes on that people only misunderstand me, the more I’m ready to just blow it all.