You’re a pain I never asked for. A pain I never guessed. So sweet, thrilling, addictive. I can taste you in all my thoughts and visions. You are the high I chase both in and out so much that I wanna be intertwined with you. If love is blind then so I may be. If I am cursed then cursed I will be. For you. I have lost myself to you and the pain feels so good. As good as love can get. And as bad as love can get. It’s worth every second of the high. You couldn’t get it unless you felt it too but it’s so good it doesn’t matter because I’m blind by now, blind, blinded by all you have tempted me by.
Where is the love you cast away for me? Where have you placed my delicate hands that became burned so deep? I’ve never known to touch someone who burned through all I had to offer. I thought it was fine until the bone shown through. If I could save you I would. Through words, flowers, whatever transalation of affection. But you make it hard, hard, hard to love you and hard to see you. Disguised as things I could hate but I know better. Love is in everyone but you need it most in my life.
I told myself you would be the only poison I’d ever drink and your taste would be my last. Yet this end is longer than I expected, the high is matching the pain and I hardly can bear. You wink, smile, kiss my fingers — I give in. Throw a blanket over it and pretend it’s not cold out here because I’m with you. There’s a strong distance distracting like a wind. Who are you?
I hold my eyes closed tight, holding my tears, holding any tempted fright. I never asked for this but I can’t say I’d have it taken back either. I love you. It sinks to a burn, as it flys to a euphoria I can’t describe. I’d die right now but I wouldn’t be able to addictively live amongst these feelings for you. So I stay.
I used to be able to paint pictures with my words. Create images with the way I worded things. Like a sculpture of emotion. But now I struggle, now I doubt long enough to cripple myself. It’s become a challenge and it saddens me like the rain pouring down on your head when you’re walking somewhere only to get lost. Such a lonely feeling. Especially when you are forced to look down to avoid as much water as you can. Yet it still runs down your nose, down you bangs and drips on you rebelliously anyway. And loneliness sinks in, it burns your insides like a poison that you can’t simply vomit out. You try by screaming, crying, hitting walls but the emptiness rings forever inside it seems. It rings and rings, ever reminding you of how you’re not worth it, you’re not worthy to be in someone’s presence. A waste, remember. A nuisance. I know you didn’t want to live this kind of life, this kind of pain but it’s all you’ve got. So you just keep walking in the rain, looking down, not even realizing you’re lost. You judge yourself, the way you walk, the way you look. You’re too conscious of the expression on your face suddenly and then you’re disgusted and disapproving before anyone else has the chance to feel that way about you because you assume it will happen. Ah, there’s the pressure. The pressure that makes you crumble under tears when you really feel it, when you really feel sorry for yourself and hate for yourself at the same time. You’re lost and don’t know what to do about it. It’s all you’ve ever known and it hurts each time, especially this time because you forgot about it from last time. It’s just a boom-a-rang, it always comes back around once you remember how to get rid of it and throw it. I wish someone would just catch it and burn it so I don’t have to feel it ever again. But it always comes back. Even when they say, “I won’t ever hurt you”, “I want to make you feel happy”, or “I’ll never hurt you like them”. It’s all a shadow that walks away from me once I smile at it. The rain will just wash it away like chalk. They were promises written in chalk, that’s all. Attractive colors and art done in chalk, promised to mean something but when its washed away, what’s left? It’s like saying “I love you” in sand where the water can reach. Gone in seconds. It never meant anything, did it.