Every other time I write I am strongly self conscious of the things I am about to post public. Basically I am judging myself while reading through briefly before posting. Sometimes I cringe. Those time I am so critical of myself I am usually writing with some sort of discomfort. As if it were unexposed territory to even myself and I quickly react in disgust.
I used to think I valued my intelligence until one day I realized I shriveled away my soft parts into sharp, cold logic and I wasn’t even happy. Unhappy because it was to impress people and by their reaction I was therefor impressed with myself. I know, it’s extremely ass backwards but that is what it was and I at least now do not judge that in myself to be able to identify my lost self then. Now, I try not to care to be more than needed. I’m trying to balance between just enough reason and how I feel and what things actually mean to me.