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I’ve always been sort of a bad communicator. Bad, because I don’t see the need or any reason to tell people anything. Of course, unless I wanted feedback or direction of some sort. Actually, I take that back; a lot of times I will want to tell people about things just to tell them about it, so therefor, preferably a positive response back. Once again this more than likely reflects on my childhood of many sorts. One such being that no one really paid much attention to me, another that when I did talk, they had no true response. Those were my early lessons of communication. Not the best, huh? Well, I will have to make due to it as it is all I know.

When I write, I can avoid anticipating judgment or gossip from what was said. I suppose I have a huge trust issue with in-person situations. Whereas, even if I knew those same people were to read my blog, I don’t suspect as much unwanted responses. Perhaps because to read my blog means they are already pre-warned that it is private and personal to me on some level. As opposed to if spoken, everyone speaks and not everyone considers spoken words to contain as much value on a daily basis. I don’t know. It’s just hard to be open and ok with myself sharing myself. I’d rather reserve my personal things shared to those who take it in and instead while in-person just be spontaneous and silly. It’s the only way I’ve known though and If I want to spruce things up maybe I should try a different perspective.

Today’s write is kind of a ramble of things I won’t promise. As all that I think and say can only be promised at most the moment it is thought or said. Then new information comes along and may invalidate or change just a tid bit and then it is all thereafter misleading information. Which is also why I find that sharing things is of the least importance. Rather, lets love and have fun instead or at least talk about external things and people because then we share being not selfish of wanting to talk too much of ourselves. Yet of course I don’t mean gossip. I mean simple observation. I always prefer creative and silly. For example, one time I was riding down the freeway and on the side of the road were one of those huge fields with cows and naturally, I said, “I wonder if the brown cow gets jealous of the yellow cow, like ‘hey why can’t I be like you?'” But that’s just me. We laughed and it was amazing. I wish there were more moments like that to have with everyone. But for that to occur I would have had to felt myself at wholesome of natural honesty. Really, I don’t know what I am talking about and I feel a little vulnerable writing all this as its all just free flow of thought, or rather no thought in between my head and the keyboard. It probably seems like I enjoy disagreeing with myself by now as almost everything I state I immediately after contradict or take back. It sort of explains how bad I am at conversations, too.

Today I woke up and decided I cared about my life again. Maybe that is what this is about. It’s me trying to shove myself out the door mentally to be a little more open. Me being more open means me being more creative, me sharing about myself, me being assertive about being me. And I’ve always known that writing usually leaves me feeling more comfortable in my mind and even in my heart somehow. It helps ground me and helps remind me that I have the freedom to be myself mostly because I don’t have the option to be someone else. So when I write my thoughts and emotions out, it reveals even to myself that that is me which feels and thinks all these enlightened to damned thoughts. And that’s ok. And so hopefully I will find myself on here somewhat more frequently and doing other things more frequently so that I may be living out here in the world instead of in my dark cave of thoughts and bitter hopeless feelings.

I know I said I woke up and decided but really I’ve been working on being able to wake up and decide such a thing for several many months now. I wish it was magic but it’s not partly due to my hard to motivate personality followed by stubbornness. And now I will go off and figure out my next thing to do today to show me to myself, and I.

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Again, forgive me for misspellings or bad grammar, etc. for I am rather rusty having not written or even read much lately~

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