Often times I feel very lost and misunderstood and almost like I don’t exist because no one can understand. The lack of connection I have from people creates this distance and I don’t think it can be helped for the most part. I feel like I have a lot to say, so much to explain, so much to share and that I want to express. But at the same time I am very content with not sharing any of myself if it is not willing to be heard.
Someone asked me 2 and a half weeks ago, “what do you want people to know about you?” And I had completely no verbal answer at the time. It certainly stirred a lot of thoughts and feelings and that was a few weeks ago. I believe yesterday is exactly when it finally came together in a simple answer: I’d want people to know that I’m comfortable with them not knowing anything. I think the emotions the question initially stirred were connected to memories of bitterness when I had wanted people to know me or to be more exact, acknowledge me at all. I’m referring to specific people in which I won’t go into but I think it stirred a pain, a longing of something that was never received. And I guess I have overall come to terms with it. I am a lot more comfortable with myself than I ever have and I know I keep saying that but it’s true. I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I know that such a search is what keeps me going. It is my driving force of motivation. Because I never had someone tell me to keep going or to try that or give me any comfort for my fears. (Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had “fans” and lightweight friends tell me but it’s not enough coming from them. And the ones that it would actually mean something – or quite a lot from – can’t give that to me.) I’ve never had that kind of relationship with someone. Relationships still puzzle me today. Relationships of all kind from friendship, to romantic ,to even the relationship with the stranger next to you or across the room. There’s always some kind of connection even if they don’t notice it. But that’s also another topic. Anyway. I’ve learned about myself recently that I don’t expect much to last, specifically relations with people. Meaningful people have come and go and I mean everyone. And I don’t mean just physically leave, but the connection that I have leaves someway or another. I suppose that such a reoccurring event has overtime left me convinced that I’m not worth staying around for. And because I feel that I’ve been the one left lingering, wanting more and wanting them to stay. But it’s not my choice. I don’t feel I’ve even had the option really of holding onto anyone. (Unless it was a bad romantic relationship but that is once again another topic.) I always mention how my romantic life sucks and makes me uncomfortable to talk about. I’ve declared myself just to be terrible at them. And please don’t lecture me on “there’s someone out there don’t give up”, “everyone struggles at relationships”, blah blah bullshit. I’m honestly so tired of hearing bullshit advice and lectures on my life from people who have no idea what I need or want. Me saying I’m terrible at relationships isn’t me giving up or stating my forever pessimistic view on “love”. I can say whatever shit I want about that area and still believe, okay. And I do. I do believe such love is to be found. I just don’t care to look for it. Or maybe I’m a coward in that field. Or I am following my energy senses and it’s simply not the right time to find “the one” or whatever. Honestly, I don’t care. I trust that romance will come when it’s time and when it should. All I care to work towards at the moment is my career towards acting and forever finding myself.